I. Hate. Parks.


Ok, so maybe hate isn't the right word. But as soon as my foot steps on the first blade of grass or sinks into the infinite grains of sand, a very, very strong dislike settles in. How long do we have to stay? How am I going to successfully lure them away when we leave? Who's that strange man sitting on the bench? All of these kids are accounted for...oh wait, it seems the child wandering aimlessly on the other end of the park is his - my bad bro.

Moving on. Why has no one figured out a cure for slide-shock? All these years and still no solution, come on man. I just want take my son off the slide without trying to brace myself for electro-shock therapy. Is that so much to ask?

And then there's the vertical poles. You know, those things that are supposed to be in place to keep children from falling while walking up the stairs or walking across bridges. Yeah. Those. Why can my child fit his entire body through this gap!? Why can I fit my entire body through this gap!? Did the parks department reach the maximum on their pole budget, how does this happen!

Perhaps the most frustrating complexity of park culture, are park politics. The kids are never the issue, it's the parents one has to be leery of. You've seen them. No matter how much sand their child throws or how may times that little offspring of theirs "accidentally" pushes other children, they're the parent that still kinda acts like it's the fault of the other child. Yes. These are the parents who try to nervous laugh their way through me saying something like: Hey, your kid just pushed my kid, what are you going to do about it?

But perhaps the worst perpetrating park parents, are the ones who act like they don't see me and my little one waiting to get in the toddler swing that your child has been in for the last hour. You see me. I know you see me. I see you trying not to see me. Your kid is friggin' sleep, get'em outta there!


Amidst all of this, is supposed to be fun being had somewhere. I still haven't found it. I'm not sure I ever will. And that is why I hate have a very strong dislike for parks.